The Parody Shack
by BasketOfKittens
Summary: Ever get tired of reading the same story idea, over and over? Read this parody and make fun of those losers! First up: Unpopular!Emo!Sora vs Cheerleader!Kairi. Second chapter: Why is everyone a vampire? Are you Team: Kairi or Team: Riku?
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Sora's the emo kid that all the popular kids love to hate. Kairi's the head cheerleader/ultimate prep/rich girl/ wears a lot of pink. What happens when DESTINY and a class assignment forces them to work together??

**High School Fic: Emo vs. Prep**

On the first day of High School Sora Strife walked to class through a sea of judging eyes and disgusted looks. Oh what a cruel fate to be an EMO kid in a PREP school. As he walked past a group of blond giggling cheerleads, they giggled. Sora knew they were actually giggling _at_ him…giggling with judgment and hate.

"Hey Sora!"

"How was your summer, Sora?"

"Hey man! You going out for the blizball team?"

"Hey, Sora. Want to hang out during free period?"

"I love the pants, Strife."

Sora ignored their cruel taunts. They all hated him. The PREPS hated anything different. And he was different. He was DIFFERENCE itself. He wore girls' pants. He listened to My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy. Sometimes he did jazz hands walking down the hallways like Toby McGuire in Spiderman 3. He even wore dark colors and smoked cigarettes. He was like James Dean if James Dean had worn women's clothing.

Little did everyone know; under the flinty EMO exterior was an emotional and vulnerable soul crying out in pain. Sora longed for a kindred spirit, a soul mate; someone who could see past the eyeliner and tight pants to love the _real_ Sora. Just because he spent two hours applying make-up and styling his hair every morning, didn't mean that he wanted everyone to focus on his appearance. Who could understand him at Destiny High…?

Sora's musings on true love were cut off abruptly as he ran into a soft and perfumed body and they both toppled to the floor in a tangle of limbs. _Damn it,_ Sora thought as he hit the ground, _I need to stop thinking and walking at the same time. I know I can't multi-task._

As Sora looked up to apologize, he found himself looking into an endless ocean of blue flecked with gold. Looking into those eyes was like watching sunlight dancing over the waves. They were filled with wisdom, love, and kindness; ponies, rainbows, and sunshine. Those eyes held everything good in the world. He was mesmerized. He felt like a sailor caught in a siren's song. As he lost himself in those angelic orbs, the ice around his EMO heart slowly began to melt. Al Gore immediately hired a filming crew to raise global awareness of this shocking new phenomenon.

"Sora? Are you okay?"

"Sora?"

"SORA!"

The girl's shout snapped Sora back into reality. With a start, he realized that his blue-eyed goddess was none other than Head Cheerleader Kairi. How could it be? Sora, the EMO kid, couldn't possibly be developing feelings for the biggest PREP in school, right? But those eyes…maybe she was different from the rest of them.

Kairi hit him on the shoulder playfully. "Sora, you klutz, get off of me. Class started, like, two minutes ago." She giggled at his dazed expression.

The red-haired girl's cruel words twisted like a knife in his gut. How could he have though that she was different? He jumped to his feet and stalked off to class leaving Kairi, and her _heartlessness_ (HA! See what I did there?), behind him.

………………..

Sora threw open the classroom door and stomped angrily to his usual seat in the back row. (He always sat in the back, because being EMO meant he was very anti-social as well.) As he collapsed angrily into his chair his teacher, Mr. Ansem-the-Heartless, cackled with glee. "YES! Open your heart to the DARKNESS," the orange-eyed teacher hissed before returning his attention to the equation on the blackboard.

Mr. Ansem-the-Heartless resumed the lesson in a calmer tone. "When integrating equations with multi-variables OF DARKNESS, you use the blah, blah, the z-axis, blah, blah, multiply Y by X to the POWER OF DARKNESS, blah, blah, blah…" Sora's mind began to wander under the monotony of the teacher's voice. He began to think back to that fateful night two weeks ago when he first became EMO...

--

!FLASHBACK!

--

The sun hung low in the sky, turning the world to gold. Sora cheerfully skipped home with his two best friends Roxas and Namine, and his other close friends Kairi, Tidus, Wakka, Selphie, Leon, Cloud, Arieth, Axel, and Demyx, after another fabulous day at school. He was popular, handsome, although only 5'4'' he was the star of all the sports teams (even the girls' teams), all the girls wanted him, and all the guys wanted to be him. Sora was on top of the world.

When he reached his house, he said goodbye to his friends and bounced through the unlocked front door. "Mom! Dad! I'm home!" He shouted, tossing his backpack carelessly on the kitchen table. There was no answer.

"Mom? Dad?" Sora tried again, uncertainly. His stomach clenched as he noticed the lights were off. He hadn't noticed when he walked in because he still hadn't mastered the skill of walking and thinking at the same time.

As the sun began to sink into the ocean, vibrant red beams of the dying light filtered through the windows and pooled like puddles on the tiled floor. The puddles looked like puddles of blood. As if someone, had been murdered violently on that very floor. Sora flinched as he heard a creaking noise, deep within the house. "Hello," he quavered softly, terrified by the descriptive foreshadowing.

As an athlete, Sora had cat-like reflexes and ninja-like stealth abilities, which he quickly used to sneak undetected through the empty house. As approached his parent's room he heard horrible pain filled noises, like something out of his darkest nightmares, and he was struck by a terrible suspicion.

He tried to turn back, but his hand reached for the doorknob as if against his will. He flung the door open and…Ah! Parents…naked…costumes…Oh dear God bondage gear… his brain's defense mechanism kicked in and erased the scene from his memory.

(Ha! I bet you thought his parents were going to be murdered because of all that murder foreshadowing I used earlier. What a twist! I'm like the M. Night Shyamalan of Kingdom Hearts parody writers!)

The next day, Sora went the mall and bought his first Fall Out Boy album. And the rest? The rest was history.

--

UN-!FLASHBACK!

--

"-and in conclusion, that is how you take control of a Heart with the power of DARKN- I mean CALCULUS!" Mr. Ansem-the-Heartless finished gaily as the bell rang.

Sora pulled himself out of his dark thoughts and jazz hands-ed his way through the crowd of shallow PREPS, to his next class.

…………………….

As he walked into his AP Lit class, Sora caught sight of a familiar flash of striking crimson hair. Goddamn it, he'd forgotten that spaz Axel was in his class. He caught another flash of red in his peripheral vision. Kairi, damn it! What _was_ this, the Gingers United Club? Kairi's very presence reminded him of how she'd broken his heart earlier that morning with her carelessly callous words. He remembered it as if it had happened only moments ago…

--

!FLASHBACK!

--

Kairi hit him on the shoulder playfully. "Sora, you klutz, get off of me. Class started, like, two minutes ago."

_Ago…_

_Ago…_

--

UN-!FLASHBACK!

--

Bitch.

"Hey, Sora! Over here!" The gorgeous-no, the _PREPPY_ red-head waved from across the room. _It's like I don't even exist to her_, Sora thought to himself bitterly as he took his seat in the back of the class. He examined his blue-eyed angel discreetly, as the English teacher Mr. Ansem-the-Wise (the only requirement for being a teacher at Destiny High was to be an Ansem, a hiring tactic that had backfired disastrously) began his lecture on The Once and Future King (Yes, they're reading The Once and Future King in AP Lit. Deal with it.).

What was with that tiny dress? She wore it every day, but it never got dirty. And just because they lived on a humid tropical island and spent all their time on the beach, Kairi thought that her skimpy outfit was socially acceptable. _Call me old-fashioned,_ Sora thought to himself, _but give me a good pair of skinny jeans any day. _And it was pink! Gross. Who wore pink, anyway? Everyone knew pink was the exact opposite color of EMO. Sora came to the conclusion that Kairi dressed like a whore. Because she was a PREP and all PREPS dressed like whores… or something. It was just one more reason their love was not meant to be.

Turning his focus on the class, Sora watched as Roxas tried to argue one of the lecture points. "I think you're wrong," The blonde-haired boy was saying. "I think in this passage T.H. White is satirizing the institution of knighthood to underscore the hypocrisy of war. I think…"

"You can't think, Roxas" Mr. Ansem-the-Wise countered, "You're not a real person; you're an abomination that has no right to exist."

Defeated once again by Mr. Ansem-the-Wise's superior rhetoric, Roxas sat back and reverted to his normal expression of dazed confusion. "Don't let him talk to you like that, Roxas," Axel jumped in.

"…What?" The blue-eyed boy responded predictably.

"Rrrrrrrrrrroxas!" Mr. Ansem-the-Wise shouted majestically, attempting to get the boy's attention.

"…Huh?" asked Roxas, drawing from his substantial verbal repertoire.

"Roxas!" Axel echoed.

"Rrrrroxas!"

"Roxas!"

"Rrrroxas!"

"Roxas!"

"Rrrroxas!"

"Roxas!"

"Rrrroxas!"

"Roxas!"

"Shut. _The_ _Hell_. Up!" Roxas finally yelled, leaping to his feet and running for the door.

"…What's his problem?" Axel asked after several moments of awkward silence. Naminé just shrugged. Sora made a mental note to start skipping school. Flawless attendance records were so not EMO.

…………………

In Physics, taught by Mr. Xeonhart (he liked to be called Mr. Mansex by students in private), Sora and his classmates were paired off for a team project. To his complete shock, Sora was paired with Kairi the ultra-PREP and his secret crush. Everyone else was shocked too. No one had seen that crazy and totally unexpected twist coming. (Another twist!)

"Mr. Xeonhart," Sora protested, "Kairi and I _can't_ work together. I'm EMO and she's a PREP. It'll never work. We're just too different."

"You would DARE interfere with my PLANS?" Mr. Xeonhart hissed darkly.

Sora quickly backpedaled, "I would love to work with Kairi, Mr. Xeonhart, sir." The skinny-jeans clad boy sat back and pouted. In an EMO way.

"Excellent. Excellent," the silver-haired teacher purred. "Now go forth and bring me my Kingdom Hearts...and boxcars, lots of boxcars!"

………………….

"Sora, wait up!" Kairi shouted as she fought through the after-school crowd towards the spiky-haired boy.

"What do you want?" Sora muttered resentfully, as Kairi walked up beside him.

"I thought we could start on the project." The light of his red-head goddess' smile shone like the sun. Sora was blinded by its light. Those Crest Whitening Strips had obviously paid off big time.

"Fine," Sora sneered, "But let's make one thing clear before we begin. I don't like you, and you don't like me. You're a PREP girl, I'm an EMO kid, and we're never going to be friends, so drop the act."

Kairi looked at him worriedly. "Oh Sora, are you still upset about the thing with your parents? I thought your therapist said you were moving past this whole 'EMO' phase."

"This EMO phase?" Sora laughed darkly, "Being EMO's not a phase. None of you understand. You can't deal with what I've become, so you pretend it's 'just a phase.' Well take a good look at reality, Kairi." The EMO boy pushed his wrists in front of Kairi, allowing her to examine the newly formed scars.

"Sora," Kairi started hesitantly. "You know that's just magic marker, right? You drew in those scars."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, babe," Sora smirked as he pulled out a cigarette and a lighter.

"Sora, you don't smoke," the red-head warned him. "It'll just make you sick."

"Obviously you don't know everything about me, Kairi!" Sora inhaled deeply on the white cylinder. Ah, the sweet taste of tar and cancer. A garbled noise escaped from his lips as he choked back the coughs threatening to erupt from his lungs. _Must not let stupid PREP girl win,_ he thought to himself, _must smoke entire cigarette._ He smirked painfully into the girl's anxious face and took another drag.

He managed to smoke half of the cigarette before his entire lunch ended up on Kairi's shoes ("Sora! You f#ktard!"). He hoped she would forgive him for that…eventually. Wait, no. He didn't care what that stupid PREP thought about him. They were stupid PREP shoes anyway, not like his sexy clown shoes, which complemented his skinny jeans perfectly.

"Okay, Sora," Kairi sighed. "Obviously you don't want to talk to me about this. Will you at least talk to Riku?"

"Who?" Sora asked blankly.

Kairi raised an eyebrow, "Our best friend, Riku? Tall, hot, Silver hair, occasionally evil, always gay?"

"Never heard of him."

"You spent years searching the universe for him? He's been your best friend your entire life? He's the bacon to our lettuce and tomato; the Curly to our Larry and Moe; the Ron Weasley to our Harry Potter and Hermione Granger; the Beyonce to our Kelly and Michelle?" The red-head rolled her eyes in exasperation, "Does any of this ring a bell?

"Kairi, I have absolutely no idea who you're talking about," Sora replied. "Does he go to our school?"

"Um, you know what? Never mind, let's just go do the project montage."

…………………………………..

Insert Generic Project Montage of LOVE

Music: "Something There" – Beauty and the Beast

(What? You didn't think I was actually going to write the whole freaking montage, did you? If I was that motivated I'd write a real story instead of a parody.)

……………………………………

"Wow, Kairi I can't believe all the crazy wonderful romantic stuff that happened in that montage," Sora laughed. "You've completely melted the EMO ice around my EMO heart. I can smile again for the first time in several weeks."

The Crimson-haired goddess stared lovingly into her EMO prince's eyes, "and you've helped me see beyond the strict stereotypes of our High School social structure. Sora, I want to thank you for helping me become a better, less POPULAR, person."

"Wait…weren't we supposed to make something for class during that montage?" Sora questioned.

"Don't worry. It probably won't have any consequences," Kairi shrugged.

**EPILOGUE**

Kairi and Sora both failed physics and were forced to repeat senior year. The two Lovers were NOT ostracized for daring to go against the norms of the High School hierarchy; instead they were embraced with open and tolerant arms. Kairi quit the Cheerleading squad and took up smoking, making her parents very proud. Sora slowly relearned how to interact with others, after his two weeks of self-imposed exile.

Roxas and Naminé fell in love and also started going out. So did Leon and Yuffie, Sephiroth and Aerith, Cloud and Tifa, Tidus and Yuna, and Wakka and Selfie. A beautiful girl named Amethyst Aurora Goldheart III (got it memorized?) washed up on shore the next day and she and Axel fell madly in love. Three more mysterious women washed up on shore and fell in love with the three Ansems. And Demyx started going out with Yuna's friend Paine. And Rikku Married Cid.

Cid was NOT later found guilty of violating the Miranda Statuary Rape Laws for marrying a teenager and did NOT go to jail for a very long time.

Kairi befriended a herd of unicorns, which carried them all to school every day, so no one had to pay the expensive gas prices. No one got expelled for underage sex either.

**And they all lived happily ever aft-**

"What?... No! What the Hell? What about me?" a mysterious figure complained.

"Oh! Hey, Riku!" Kairi looked curiously at the older boy, "where've you been?"

"Oh yeah!" Sora interrupted, "I remember Riku now, duh."

"Gee, thanks Sora," Riku rolled his eyes and turned to Kairi. "Apparently I'm not in this story at all. I'm never in SoKairi stories."

"Of course you aren't silly," Sora laughed. "It's a SoKairi story."

Riku raised one perfect eyebrow, "So?"

"Well," Sora explained. "It's a _het_ story. For straight characters."

The other eyebrow went up, "So?"

"And you're," Sora laughed and scratched the back of his head. "You know…" He waved his hand around vaguely.

"For the last time, Sora, I'm not gay!" Riku objected.

Sora and Kairi both laughed. Their laughter quickly died under the older boy's poisonous glare.

"Two words," Sora countered gleefully. "Hula. Skirt."

"That was _one_ time!"

"Face it Riku," Kairi said gently. "Your obsessive stalking is a threat to the SoKairi pairing."

"I could obsessively stalk Sora platonically," the older boy grumbled. "No one ever gives me a chance."

Kairi hugged the boy's arm, comfortingly.

"Besides," the red-head added. "It's physically impossible to make Sora more EMO than you. Your angst would have destroyed the whole parody."

"Whatever," Riku growled. "But if I'm not in the next one, I'm going to cut a bitch. You know who you are."

**Um…And they all lived happily ever after.**


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Hurray for updates! Sorry about the 3 year hiatus.

**Vampires, Werewolves, and Ghosts, oh my!**

It was late one night. The darkest hour of midnight, or whatever. Sora was walking home alone from somewhere (School? Do they even go to school?) through his favorite dark alley shortcut. All his friends had told him to take the safer main street, but Sora just liked something about the way the heroin syringes crunched under his feet.

"La la la la la," Sora sang brightly, "nothing bad ever happens to a main character." Unbeknownst to our poor unsuspecting hero, a dark shadow was stalking him through the darkness (I know different, right?). But this shadow was no mere heart eating heartless, or soul sucking nobody. It was a VAMPIRE! Bloodsucking, and completely different from all of the other things that Sora had fought.

The VAMPIRE had been watching the BEAUTIFUL, INNOCENT, youth for days. It was enamored by this BEAUTIFUL, INNOCENT youth, but not in a sexual or gay way. The VAMPIRE just wanted to platonically hold the young boy close and suck his fluids.

Reaching a dead end in the alley, Sora stopped. So maybe it wasn't exactly his _favorite_ shortcut.

_I really need to stop trying to find new and exciting ways home after dark_, Sora thought to himself. Shrugging he turned around slowly. There was nothing behind him, just as he had expected.

"Nothing bad ever happens to me: Sora," he skipped back the way he'd came. Suddenly and completely unexpectedly a mysterious stranger stepped out of the shadows. The stranger was pale as death, dressed in a creepy cloak with a crazy popped collar and

had sharp vampire teeth. _Weird,_ Sora thought, _who could this guy be?_

"Blaaah," the stranger cried out, before biting Sora on the neck and sexily sucking his blood.

Sora woke up the next morning in an alley, cuddling with Pluto. Sora yawned, got up, and walked to school. Waking up in a dirty alley was just business as usual.

...**LATER THAT DAY**...

"You really think that Sora's fine?" Kairi questioned anxiously. "He just seems like he's changed since that mysterious stranger bit his neck." The gang was hanging out at Riku's house, since his parents had gone on vacation years ago and never returned. Riku wasn't worried, it was great for parties.

"Oh come on, Kairi," Riku laughed, "Sora's exactly the same as he's always been. He's just having..."

Riku trailed off as Sora slunk into the kitchen hunched over and wearing a black hooded cloak. Sora slowly crab-walked towards Kairi, pasty skin glistening and canines barred. Halfway across the floor Sora stumbled onto a patch of sunlight and exploded into a burst of sparkles.

"Eeeeeeeh," Sora screamed and hissed, before launching himself at Riku. Riku stepped gracefully to the side, as Sora fell into a garland of garlic. (Riku really liked to cook, and garlic was _essential_!)

Sora screamed again, and ran out of the room with his hands in the air.

"...You know, a few off days," Riku finished confidently.

Kairi sighed, unconvinced with Riku's superior reasoning.

"I guess I just worry about him too much, after all we've been through together," Kairi murmured. Despite Riku's reassurances, something still felt off with Sora, and Kairi was determined to get to the bottom of it.

...**Later That Night**...

"Get your stupid girl hair out of my mouth," Kairi hissed and jabbed Riku in the ribs.

"Stop throwing yourself at Sora, I get it you're a slut" Riku snarled back. Before the argument could progress into another epic slap fight, Sora's door creaked open. The two were hiding behind the blue eyed boy's azalea garden, hoping to figure out what was wrong with their friend.

Sora barely spared a glance for his badly hidden friends, as he walked out of his house. After all, if he had been the type of person to pay attention to stalkers he probably could have avoided most of the problems in his life.

Kairi and Riku followed Sora into the bad part of town. (Yes, their cute little tropical island had a 'bad' part). To their surprise, their sweet and child-like friend was wearing black leather, a dog collar, and temporary tattoos. Truly it was startling, because normally Sora was so sweet and child-like. Finally, Sora entered a club called the 'Kitty-Cat Vampire Club.'

"What could this possibly be?" Riku exclaimed. "I've never heard of the Kitty-Cat Vampire Club before." Riku and Kairi exchanged a look, both wondering what could be wrong with their friend.

As they walked inside, the two were met with a shock. They were in a strip club, and innocent little Sora was dancing on one of the stripper poles. Sora was a stripper. And also a vampire. But more importantly _a stripper_.

Riku and Kairi made their way through the vampire filled club towards Sora, whose heart of gold shone with each of his talented stripper moves. Riku paused a moment to watch Sora appreciatively, the beautiful and innocent boy was melting the ice around his cold heart. Kairi smacked him on the head.

"Touch him, and I'll scratch your eyes out," she snarled. Riku rolled his eyes, and privately vowed to get revenge. Probably through some kind of heartless related scheme that would redeem him at the last possible second, he mused.

As his friends approached him, Sora's eyes widened with horror. He'd never wanted them to find out his shameful secret, they'd never understand his new life. Stripping was sexually freeing, not degrading. And it was just for a little while, until he payed his way through college. He jumped off the stripper pole, and ran out of the club sobbing.

"Wow, spaz," Riku observed.

"Right?" Kari agreed. The two headed to the bar to drink the horrible stripper!Sora visual away.

_Hold on to your dignity and your bra this time, Kairi_, the redhead steeled herself before tossing back her first appletini.

....

Behind the club, Sora ran straight into a blue eyed blonde who looked familiar. The blond kid angrily hissed with his vampire teeth. Then stopped, looking confused and exhausted by the show of emotion.

"Who...who are you?" the blonde asked dully.

"I'm Sora, duh!" the brunette beamed happily, forgetting all about his problems at the prospect of seeing his twin brother Roxas. Roxas was also BEAUTIFUL and INNOCENT, and dressed in black leather and temporary tattoos. Sora had a kindred spirit in his twin brother Roxas.

"Huh?" the blonde asked.

"So-ra!" Sora spoke slowly. "I. Am. Your. Twin. Brother. Remember?

"Uhhh," the blond said dazedly.

"Wow, not really a talker are you, Roxy?" Sora rolled his eyes.

"Huh?" Roxas asked.

"Oh goddamn it, Roxas!" Sora stomped off. Turning the corner, Sora saw another pale shadow dressed in a hooded black cloak.

"Oh, thank god it's you Axel," Sora sighed with relief, "you would not believe the day I'm having." Axel crept slowly out of the shadows hissing. He was also a vampire. Sora was shocked by this new development, everyone had thought the red head avoided sunlight and garlic because of some kind of drug problem.

"You're a vampire too?" the boy wondered, "is there anyone I know who isn't a vampire?"

"Of course not everyone's a vampire, that would be stupid and unbelievable." Axel rolled his eyes, "some of them are werewolves."

Sora was absolutely shocked by this of course. As unbelievable of a coincidence it might seem, Axel described how every one of his friends was either a vampire, werewolf, or some kind of ghost/supernatural creature.

Kairi, tan Ansem, Roxas, Cloud, Paine, Demyx, Sephiroth, Genie, Donald, wise Ansem, evil Ansem, really evil Ansem, Pluto and Cid were also vampires like Sora and Axel.

Riku, Rikku, Tidus, Selphie, Wakka, Goofy, the other organization people (haven't played the game in a while, whatever), Cogsworth, and Simba (obvs.) were all werewolves.

The Princesses of Heart were witches, and somehow Leon and Yuffie were ghosts. Merlin was a magician, and Ariel was a mermaid.

As Sora tried to digest this new information, Axel stared longingly at Roxas feeling his cold heart melt at the youth's BEATY, INNOCENCE, and HEART of GOLD. For a moment, Axel almost felt _alive_ again. Meanwhile, Roxas stared blankly at a wall.

"Wait hang on," Sora wondered suddenly, "If all of my friends are vampires, does this mean one of them turned _me_ into a vampire?" The club door slammed open dramatically, the mysterious figure in the doorway lit by the disco club lights behind him or her. (That's the proper grammatical form, ok?)

"Yes Sora," the figure proclaimed. "It was I, the Genie, who turned you into a vampire!" Sora gasped, and Pluto hissed menacingly from the Genie's side.

"Sora, this is our coven leader the Genie. Got it learned by _heart_?" Axel crowed.

"Oh no, that's not your new catch phrase, is it?" Sora groaned. "You were already _a pain in the neck _when you were human."

_(_Vampire puns: the highest form of humor...I'm drunk, and filled with self-hatred.)

"Enough of this nonsense, you two are kookier than my aunt Edith at a bar mitzvah. One drink and she's dancing like a group of showgirls who lost their knickers to a traveling troop of carnies. Ooooohhh. HER NAME WAS LOLA, SHE WAS A SHOW GIRL!" The Genie babbled in a knockoff Robin Williams impression, almost as if the creators hadn't been able to afford to hire the real Robin Williams and hired a bad Robin Williams vampire impersonator instead.

"Yes, Sora. Come with us to our vampire mansion," Axel agreed. Swayed by the Genie's compelling argument, Sora followed his fellow vampires to the vampire mansion.

...

At the vampire mansion, all of the vampires gathered for a super secret vampire meeting. Even Kairi was at the meeting. (Kairi, as usual, walked in late, drunk, and discreetly barfed in the special vampire chalice.) After sobering up, the red head giggled girlishly and punched Sora in the arm.

"Soooora, you should have just told me you were a vampire-stripper." She laughed flirtatiously, "I would have understood. We've all been there." Sora felt much better that his childhood friend accepted his new lifestyle, but was still worried about what Riku would think.

"No!" Kairi exclaimed, "you can never see Riku again! He's a werewolf and they are the sworn enemies of vampires. We vampires have been fighting their kind for centuries. Did I mention that we're vampires? Vampire vampire blah blah vampire?"

"Wait," Sora interrupted, "weren't we with Riku like two hours ago? And for that matter how is Cogsworth a werewolf, isn't he a clock?"

"Oh Sora," the red headed girl shook her head sadly, "you are so young, so naive. Yet the prophecy has said that you will help us finally destroy our werewolf enemies. Especially Cogsworth the Bloody."

The two teenagers stared lovingly into each other's eyes, their hearts filled with the stilted romance of a thousand Jane Austin novels. Yet still, Sora thought, something or someone was missing.

...**Meanwhile in the Werewolf...Cave? (where do werewolves live?)...**

Riku paced angrily back and forth across the werewolf cave. He was filled with anger! How could those stupid vampires try to steal his best friend. This was all Kairi's fault, he fumed. He had been planning on making Sora a werewolf, so they could finally be together for all eternity! In a platonic friendly way, of course; totally not in a romantic way. It would totally be Sora and Kairi's faults (again) if he had to to something evil and bat-shit crazy (again) in (another) desperate plea for Sora's attention, in order to win back his best friend (unnecessarily) only to be redeemed in a last minute show of self-sacrifice (for the fourth time). God, didn't Sora and Kairi ever learn?

"Patience my child," Cogsworth the Bloody purred. "Everything is happening as the prophecy predicted. Sora will be yours very soon."

To Be Continued....

I was going to finish this in one-shot, but I'm tired and impatient. Cheers.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: As promised, the second part of my vampire parody. Who says I don't update.

Disclaimer: Most of my pop culture references are inaccurate.

Vampires, Werewolves, and Ghosts, oh my! (part II)

It was a beautiful sunny morning in Destiny Islands, and Sora was practicing his new super fun vampire powers outside of the vampire mansion. Once the coven leader the Genie had explained that vampires were not affected by sunlight or garlic and didn't need to kill humans and drink their blood, Sora was relived because he really wanted to be a vampire but didn't want any of the consequences.

The kind brunette had always thought that vampires were just misunderstood and darkly romantic creatures, they weren't evil or anything. They reminded him of his favorite book, Wuthering Heights and Vampires by Emily Bronte and Seth Grahame-Smith. Now that he had found out that the brooding and mysterious yet sexy Kairi was a vampire, Sora was determined to win her undying love. Or was he even in love with Kairi? Werewolf Riku had been looking even more buff than usual, after all.

Sora glanced over into the forest, where a shirtless Riku thought he was hiding behind a palm tree. Riku had clearly miscalculated how well Silver hair and yellow surf pants would blend into tropical foliage. _It makes complete sense_ _that Riku's a werewolf,_ Sora thought to himself. _He _does _always have his shirt off lately. I _knew_ he was lying about four month laundry day._

Now, sparkling like a unicorn in the warm tropical sun, the youngest vampire put aside his love problems, determined to find a good and humanitarian use for the dark gift that the Genie had given him. He went through his inventory of supercool vampire powers to determine which one would be the most useful.

Sora leaped high into the air, and felt his body lighten like a feather. He looked down at the vampire mansion below him. He was flying, drifting in the wind, being a vampire was the coolest thing ever!

"Sora! Hey Sora!" A tiny flash of red hair called out his name from the ground. Sora laughed and swooped down towards the ground to meet vampire Kairi.

"Hey vampire Kairi!" Sora called, "why didn't you just fly up to meet me?" Kairi looked at him like he was an idiot.

"You're an idiot, Sora!" Kairi rolled her eyes, "Vampires can't fly. All that stuff about cool vampire powers is just outdated Anne Rice crap. Vampires have evolved, we've become emotional, sensitive, delicate, and powerless. We're much cooler now." Sora was shocked. There was no other explanation for his ability to glide, transform, summon, and shoot fire, ice, wind, and gravity out of his keyblades. HIs strange powers must have been a result of the prophecy that Kairi had spoken of!

**#FLASHBACK#**

The beautiful redhead gazed deeply and broodingly into Sora's eyes.

"The prophecy has said that you will help us finally destroy our werewolf enemies. Especially Cogsworth the Bloody," she whispered dramatically. "You will be the most powerful vampire who has ever unlived! But you definitely don't have any special vampire powers. The prophecy doesn't say how you defeat the werewolves, probably with love or some bullshit. The whole thing is pretty vague, actually."

Sora gazed back silent and serious. They both stared at each other unspeaking for several more scenes, until Sora shook his head suddenly.

"Sorry, what did you say?" Sora asked apologetically, "I totally missed that, I was daydreaming about Ri...someone's abs."

**#END FLASHBACK#**

Now that Sora's amazing vampire powers had manifested, he would be able to fulfill the prophecy and win Kairi's heart!

"Wait," Sora asked suddenly, "so what _do_ most vampires do if they don't drink blood, sleep in coffins, or fly?"

"Oh, well our eyes turn red sometimes" Kairi offered thinking hard. "Mostly we just go to High School and talk about our feelings. And strip."

Being a vampire was so cool. Sora felt privileged to be a part of this elite vampire coven.

...............

The next day at High School was so much better now that Sora was a vampire. Okay, so he still had to go to the same classes, the same teachers, and the same responsibilities. He still had to take remedial physics, and the Professor Ansems still hated him even though they were vampires too. Whatever, at least Sora got to wear his cool stripper clothes!

As Sora walked down the school hall way, everyone stared at him because he was so sexy now that he was a vampire.

"No! Sora!" Sora's friend Yuna grabbed on to his arm. "You not an EMO kid living in a PREP world again, are you?"

"Nope, vampire." Sora clarified.

"Oh cool, me too." Yuna sighed with relief. As Sora looked around, he realized that almost everyone in his high school was either a vampire or a werewolf. Suddenly, Sora saw his only two non-vampire/werewolf friends Leon and Yuffie the ghosts, who floated over to say hello.

"Oooooo, helloooooo Sooooraaa," Yuffie moaned happily in a ghost voice. Sora shivered as the temperature dropped with the approach of the unrestful spirits. It was really weird that he'd never noticed Leon and Yuffie were ghosts, Sora reflected.

Leon rolled his eyes. It was so lame that they had to be ghosts while everyone else was a sexy vampire or a sexy werewolf. _Stupid Cloud doesn't have to be a ghost,_ Leon thought to himself grumpily. He and Yuffie couldn't even have ghost sex, they'd tried. The school janitors still couldn't get the ectoplasm off of the music practice room walls. Whatever, Leon decided angrily, he didn't want to have ghost sex with Yuffie anyway. He wanted to have ghost sex with Patrick Swayze from the movie _Ghost. _Or that Grudge chick cleaned up nicely. As Leon started getting angrier, the lights flickered and one of the locker doors grabbed a passing cheerleader and dragged her in to the darkness by her hair before slamming shut. A violinist was suddenly strangled by his own bow.

"Oooooo Squuuuuaaal OOooooo," Yuffie whined.

"Oooo whatever." Leon monotoned. The two of them floated through the wall of their next period class still arguing.

"I really feel bad I didn't notice they were ghosts," Sora mentioned to Yuna as they hurried off to their AP Vampire vs. Werewolf History class.

.................

(If this was a real story, this is where I would have useful background information to make everything less confusing!)

As Sora walked through the door to Vampire vs. Werewolf History, he saw Riku lounging indolently near the back of the class. Sora wondered how Riku's shirtlessness had slipped through dress-code check. The brunette vampire's heart skipped a beat as he realized that Kairi hadn't shown up to class, and he was figuratively alone with the handsome shirtless werewolf. Oh how could his beloved Kairi abandon him like this, he wondered. Nervously he made his way to the back of class to sit down next to Riku, who was now winking at him suggestively and tossing his hair. Sora almost couldn't resist these intense yet platonic seduction techniques.

"Hey, Riku what's up?" Sora smiled at his best friend.

"What's up? What's up! That's all you have to say?" Riku growled darkly. "I thought we were friends, but would a friend go off alone for almost eight hours without even bothering to come visit me? Would a real friend talk to other people besides me?"

"Ummmm, no?" Sora guessed.

"It seems to me that you've found new friends Sora," the silver haired boy looked at him heartbrokenly. "I guess you don't need me anymore."

"What? No that's not true, Riku!" Sora cried.

"It's too late, Sora." Riku whispered tearfully. The muscular shirtless werewolf got up from his seat, tossed Yuna over his shoulder, and walked to the door.

"You made me kidnap this girl Sora," Riku sobbed as he ran out, "This is your fault! We could have had eternity together! Platonically, not in a gay way!"

"Riku," Sora whispered sadly as he looked at the empty doorway. "Don't worry Riku, I'll find you. I'll bring you back home."

Riku poked his head back through the door. "That reminds me; I still need a ride home, is that cool?" He disappeared again.

"Oh, don't worry Sora," Professor Ansem said comfortingly. "He'll come crawling back to the darkness. He always does."

..................

(Clumsy Exposition!)

Later that day in the cafeteria there was a huge and epic vampire vs. werewolf fight. All of the werewolves walked in shirtless (even the girls!) and stood around looking menacing. The vampires got pissed off and outraged, so they started walking around and sparkling. One of the werewolves pointedly knocked over a vampires tray, and then the carnage started. It looked exactly like that scene in Twilight were the vampires and werewolves fight. (Or was that Underworld? Or maybe True Blood? I should really watch some of these things before I try to parody them.) Without their precious chosen one leading them, the vampires were massacred. Cogsworth the Bloody, bathed in the blood of his eternal enemies that day.

Sora didn't hear about the Great Vampire vs. Werewolf Food Fight of 2010 until days later. He had left school early, to figure out his love life and find Riku and Kairi. The food fight had seemed harmless at first, in a unfortunate and tragic coincidence it was silver garlic pie day. Both the vampires and the werewolves were killed almost instantly. Even though I said earlier that garlic didn't hurt vampires, apparently I was wrong and it does. Kiss my ass, I'm bored with this vampire story.

...................

As his fellow vampires died in horrible agony, Sora wandered the streets desperately looking for his two friends. The blue-eyed vampire had to wonder why he always had to spend years searching for Riku and Kairi whenever one of the had a dumb idea or a hissy fit. When was it Sora's turn to get kidnapped? Waiting for his friends to come rescue him in a comfy prison sounded wonderful compared to the shit he had to go through on his quests. Spotting the town vampire baker, Sora ran up to him.

"Excuse me! I'm looking for my friends, have you seen them?" Sora cried out. "There names are Ri-"

"No! Goddamn it Sora!" The vampire baker hissed. "No one's seen Riku and Kairi. Stop asking!"

"Every goddamn week its the same thing..." the older vampire muttered as he turned away.

Sora shrugged confused. That was the answer he had started getting from everyone he asked about Riku or Kairi. As he continued his search to find his friends, Sora considered his two love interests. At first, he had been intrigued by Kairi's mysteriousness and attracted to her deep and brooding personality. Their relationship had passion and danger. He had been so crushed when Kairi had abandoned him and hadn't come to class, he almost hadn't been able to go on living. Yet, while Kairi was away he had really bonded with Riku. The silver haired boy had just been a friend at first, but then he proved himself to be something more. Riku had comforted him after Kairi had broken his heart. Riku was safe, stable, and reliable. Kairi was dangerous and impulsive. Sora just didn't know who to choose.

Suddenly Sora was struck with a flash of inspiration. He knew where Kairi and Riku were!

..................

As he walked in the Vampire Kitty Cat Strip Club, Sora suddenly felt like he was home again. He glanced over at the stage and saw his twin brother Roxas working the vampire stripper pole. Sora felt both proud and disgusted. Heading to the bar, Sora saw familiar flashes of silver and red. Sora felt stupid for not realizing where his friends would be earlier.

Running up behind the two, Sora yelled "Riku! I found you! I've looked everywhere for you!" Riku turned around slowly. He probably had a weird outfit on, like a cloak or a hula skirt or Ansem's body.

"Sora? How can you even look at me after the way I've betrayed you?" The silver haired werewolf asked his friend with self-loathing in his voice. Before Sora could reply, Cogsworth the Bloody burst through the door to the Kitty-Cat Vampire Club holding a stake and a cross.

"Where are you Sora-the-Vampire?" Cogsworth screamed. "I'll avenge my pack."

Cogsworth ran towards Sora, who stood frozen in fear. Several minutes passed, as Cogsworth's ran across the room on his tiny clock legs. It seemed as if there was no way for Sora to survive the attack, but then at the last possible second Riku leaped in front of Sora blocking him with his body. Cogsworth breathed his last breath, and died on the dirty strip club floor.

"Why would you do that for me?" Sora wonderingly asked his wounded friend.

"Because I love you, Sora," Riku whispered. "As a friend."

Kairi and Sora looked on sadly as Riku lay injured and struggling to breath. Truly he had been redeemed in their eyes by that one last selfless act. After Riku had been injured, the three friends realized that they all loved each other equally but differently. They also realized that it was foolish to fight when life was so fleeting. But it was too late for Riku.

Haha, just kidding. Riku sat up completely uninjured (stakes can't kill werewolves, duh) and Sora celebrated this miracle by showing off his new moves on the stripper pole. Kairi started drinking and unfortunately lost her dignity _and _her bra, but not in that order. All the important characters survived the story, and everyone lived happily for the rest of eternity.

The End


End file.
